jesus at your table

"If Jesus appeared at your dining room table tonight with knowledge of everything you are and are not, total comprehension of your life story and every skeleton hidden in your closet; if he had laid out the real state of your present discipleship with the hidden agenda, the mixed motives, and the dark desires buried in your psyche you would feel his acceptance and forgiveness." - Brennan Manning

one of those "ok God I get it" moments

lately - it appears that i have been able to relate to a number of people in my life in a very real way because of specific events that have happened in my life, that are now happening in theirs. (its a confusing sentence, read it again, slowly)

today that happened again.

without going into specifics, i was talking with someone today who upon listening to this person the thought in my head was "oh man, you sound exactly like me"

i say the phrase "i know exactly what you mean / i know exactly how you feel" a lot lately, and as cliche as it is and for as much as people throw it around as a futile attempt at comforting friends - I can actually mean it.

I've also heard a lot lately that I am really good at pulling things out of people. (not objects or body parts...feelings, emotions, whats bothering them, the truth etc, in case you were wondering)

maybe i have a future as a counselor...

holy fool

Holy Fool

I am a fool
I look beyond reason
I stray beyond logic
I dance when I should cry
I weep when I should party
I am fool of joy for the things I don't know
I am past caring about the things I do know
I love someone I've never seen
I admire people who I know are a mess
I hope things are fragile, I just don't trust stability
I long for the future and I love each step toward it
I walk the earth but I dream of the heavens
I know I am special because of my ordinariness
I find chaos confusing and confusion creative
I am of no influence yet I strive to make a difference
I have no voice yet I shout from the rooftops
I live a life that's a joke with a serious punchline
I am a poet who's lost for words
I love the world that turns its back on all that matters to me
I want to embrace the people who want to hurt me
I pray for those who hate me
I serve one who knelt and washed feet
I live for a deity who died for me
I am an innocent because I know what I've done wrong
I am free because my heart's not my own
I am strong because I am broken
I found God in a "Godless" place
I am a faithful rascal
I am an ordinary radical
I am a fool for God

By Mark Berry

shane claiborne at urbana

go to day 3 and watch shane's talk, and then watch the guy that is after him as well - oscar
actually just take the day off from work and watch them all :)

http://www.urbana09.org/videos.cfm

says it all...

cloud cities

so recently I went to this thing called "Urbana." Ironically its not in Urbana but St. Louis. Anyway, its a student mission conference sponsored by the organization i work for - intervarsity...its a campus ministry org.

16,000 christians take over the city of st. louis - it's intense...i'll leave it at that

i've been in this season of re-evaluating, questioning, doubting, falling in love all over again with things, falling out of love with those things yet again, thinking a lot, needing to find answers, and sadly not as much time praying.

my quest for a theological "cure all" for all my questions had left me extremely tired and honestly somewhat hopeless. my quest for head knowledge and a better intellectual understanding of God took over and my heart knowledge and my experience of God slacked, which didn't help the doubting part.
I have an over analytical mind - which is a blessing and a curse sometimes - i was also a history student, i was taught to have my first reaction to be skepticism...i question everything which causes me to search for answers and when i find answers, it only raises at least 8 more questions for every answer i find...so you can see the dilema

i had a revelation on my way home from urbana
on the plane ride back from urbana i got schooled by a young German child in the seat behind me..

"Look at the clouds son"
Me in my head: "ya look at the clouds."
(A few minutes before I had been looking out the window as well...I have always been fascinated when I fly through clouds. I mean you are so close to them but can't touch them, its frustrating At this particular time we were starting our descent, so I was ready, and excited.)
"Look daddy! a cloud city!"
"Oh wow son, you're right look at that!"
Me: "cloud city what?"
"look at that cloud city daddy! its even bigger

Me: (in my head)
"I wonder what it would be like to touch a cloud."
"how freekin awesome would it be to be attached to some rope swinging through the clouds."
"I wonder what it would feel like, probably soft and fluffy."
"well, I'd probably get wet if I touched a cloud, they are after all, condensation - water."
"how does the plane not get wet?"
"how does the wetness not affect the engine? shouldn't an engine stall when its wet? clouds after all are made of water vapor..I wonder how they prevent that, clearly planes have flown through clouds before...hmmmm"

"look at that city son!"
"look daddy! a _________(insert random cloud animal shape)"

Me: "oh, look at that, it IS a cloud city..."

you get the idea...and this point it hit me like a wall of bricks, that I am trapped in my western-ness, my predisposition to reason and having the answers, prevents me from seeing and experiencing the beauty all around me. my thought pattern went from wonder and awe at the thought of swinging through clouds, to pondering the inner workings of a jet engine in a matter of seconds...it took a 5 year old to point out a cloud city for me to actually see it.

maybe this is why jesus says we need to become like little children...

"Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." - Mark 10:15

ragamuffiness

if you were wondering where the title of my blog comes from, its from a book called "the ragamuffin gospel" by brennan manning. you should read it...right now.

in essence the book is about grace. its central premise is that followers of jesus often believe grace in theory but not in practice.
the bending of the mind by the powers of this world has twisted the gospel of grace into religious bondage and distorted the image of God into an eternal, small minded book keeper...the institutionalized church has become a of the healers rather than a healer of the wounded.
Sooner or later we are all confronted with the painful truth of our inadequacy and insufficiency. Our security is shattered and our bootstraps are cut. Once the fervor has passed, weakness and infidelity appear. We discover our inability to add even a single inch to our spiritual stature. There beings a long winter of discontent that eventually flowers into gloom, pessimism and a subtle despair, subtle because it goes unrecognized, unnoticed and therefore unchallenged. it takes the form of boredom, drudgery. We are overcome by the ordinariness of life, by daily duties done over and over again. We secretly admit that the call of Jesus is too demanding, that surrender to the Spirit is beyond our reach. life takes on a joyless empty quality...all our huffing and puffing trying to impress God, scrambling for brownie points and trying to fix ourselves all fly straight in the face of the gospel of grace.

God has a single relentless stance towards us...He loves us. He is jealous for us.

Because of that grace has to be drunk straight: no water, no ice and certainly no ginger ale; neither goodness nor badness, nor the flowers that bloom in the spring of super spirituality could be allowed to enter into the case.

Enough said now that I've quoted most of the first chapter...hopefully thats enough to wet your appetite...

this is my favorite part of the book, its a simple prayer at the end of a chapter...i'll leave you with this:

"Lord Jesus, we are silly sheep who have dared to stand before you and try to bribe you with our preposterous portfolios. Suddenly we have come to our sense. We are sorry and ask you to forgive us. Give us grace to admit that we are ragamuffins, to embrace our brokenness, to celebrate your mercy when we are at our weakest, to rely on your mercy no matter what we do. Dear Jesus, gift us to stop grandstanding and trying to get attention, to do the truth quietly without display, to let the dishonesties in our lives fade away, to accept our limitations, to cling to the gospel of grace, and to delight in your love. Amen"

welcome

Welcome to my blog.
My name is Adam and this is where you can read my often paradoxical thoughts. :)
Enjoy.